whoo.

So now I'm caught up with my poems. I haven't written any that I like recently, and we'll see what's to come. I'm sorry for flooding this with entries, but I wanted to get them all up. I don't think you'll ever see this many submitted in one night ever again. XD

And now I'm going to bed. It's four in the morning and I have Majestix practice tomorrow - well, today. Bleh.

<3 - brittany

Hidden

I'm hiding
hiding from you
I don't want you
to see me this way.
I'm disgraceful.
I'm ugly.
I'm clumsy.
I'm filthy.
just go away.
I want you to believe
that what you see
is what you get
but that's not always
the case.
I'm mean
I'm cruel
I am the beast
I am the monster
I have two faces
and now I'm admitting it.

so leave, please.
I don't want you to see me this way.

-This was written around the same time as "Fortress". I was feeling down, but I can't remember why.-

<3 - brittany

Fortress

go away
you can't see me
not like this
I won't let you see.

I was
tough
invulnerable
strong
confident

but now you see

I am
soft
vulnerable
weak
insecure

I don't want you to see.

I'll build up my walls
build up my fortress

my fortress of solitude.

-Hah. Wrote this after watching "Fortress" performed at my school. It's a one-act (one of my favorites) that I've seen twice. It blew me away both times. It hits me hard, I guess.-

<3 - brittany

Mother

have you ever heard
your mother scream Bloody Murder
because her husband, your father, your daddy dear
is throwing things, pushing her,
threatening all she's ever known?

have you ever heard
your mother tell you
she could have died
would have killed herself
because you didn't call?

have you ever heard
your mother tell you
"promise me you'll never
do this"
then hear her retching
purging her last binge?

this is my mother.
this is my life.

have you ever heard
your mother make fun
of your neighbors
leaving you rolling on the floor
clutching your belly
laughing?

have you ever heard
your mother roar
with laughter
when you do something silly
making you feel sorta proud
proud that you can make her laugh?

have you ever heard
your mother tell you stories
of her poor childhood
give you morals
give you common sense
teach you about life and reality?

this is my mother.
this is my life.

and I wouldn't trade either
for anything in the world.

-Yes, I know that this poem seems brutally honest. I try to be when I write. Now, if you haven't met my parents, don't use this to judge them. I love them dearly, and everyone does things they regret later. If you have met my parents, you'll know that they aren't like this all the time. XD And I know that some have it worse than I do, some have it better, but like I said, "I wouldn't trade either for anything in the world."-

<3 - brittany

Say It Loud

don't tell me how to talk
don't tell me how to walk
don't tell me how to dress
don't tell me how to be
I know who I am.

I'm loud
I'm outlandish
I may be a bit crazy
but that's just me.

don't tell me to quiet down
this is how I talk.
don't tell me to slow down
this is how I walk.
don't tell me to match my clothes
this is how I dress.

don't tell me to bow my head
I'm gonna be proud.
don't tell me to avert my eyes
I'm gonna be proud.
don't tell me to step aside
I'm gonna be proud.

don't tell me who I am.
I know who I wanna be
I know who I am.

and I'm saying it loud-
I'm gonna be proud.

-Hah. No one ever says anything about this one. I understand it may be a bit..rushed and weak, but I like it. Someone told me to quiet down, and I got kind of heated about that. I don't like people telling me what to do unless they are the authority of the matter, you know?-

<3 - brittany

How Many Times?

I know
I know
you say I've thanked you
enough
but I don't think I have.

thank you
for flattering me.
thank you
for smiling.
thank you
for feeling
for hearing
for understanding
for helping me along.

I love you
so much
if I lost you
I think I'd die
I wouldn't be able
to go on.

so thank you
a thousand thank you's
but I know they're still
not enough.

-Gah, I really do love my friends.-

<3 - brittany

Desperate

she said what I've been trying
to avoid
said what I didn't need
to hear
said what I
already knew.

she's been worried
because I'm always home
because I don't have many friends
if all but a few can be called that.
the others say
"yeah sure I'll be here"
"yeah sure I'll listen"
they haven't been here.
they haven't listened.
I've been there.
I've listened to their
neverending monologues.
showed sympathy for their
"pains".

but why won't they listen to me?

she asked me if I was happy
I held back tears and shook my head
she put on the sad mask and
sighed.

what is it about me that drives you away?
what is it you want me to change?
I'm desperate.
so desperate
I'll do anything.
I'll be your slave.
just take me in.
take me in.
please?

-I understand that this made a few friends mad because they didn't know who I was talking about in this poem. I'm not talking about any of my close friends (and they better know who they are) I was talking about people I come into contact with at school and stuff. Hah.-

<3 - brittany

Notebook

I was cleaning my room
today
found a green notebook
with your name on the front
and a note that said:
"To Brittany. Happy Birthday!"
I opened it up
flipped through the pages
saw poems you wrote for me
saw poems you wrote for you
there were so many.

I saw a letter inside
I read it through
it brought tears to my eyes
I flipped a few pages
saw a small note in the corner
"for you"
the title?
"My Last Prayer"
I read it slowly,
then set the notebook down
hot tears flowing down my cheeks.

I remembered that dark time
that dark, dreary summer
I can't remember why
we were mad.

that letter, that poem
that was why I called you
that was why I wanted to apologize
that was why.

looking at it now
I'm still crying
I want to be good to you
I don't ever want to hurt you again
I want to be your best friend.
or even more, your sister.

I want to pluck the stars from the sky
and give them to you.
I want to give you Jupiter's moons,
wrapped up with ribbon and paper.
I want to give you the warmest winter blanket,
one that's already warm when you get into bed.
I want to write you the best letter,
send it to you with a kiss.
I want to do everything for you.

I want to love you forever and a day,
and an infinite amount of forevers after.

I love you.

-Yeah, she knows who she is. <3-

<3 - brittany

You Don't Care

there's a smile on my face
my eyes are dry
but they are not a window to my soul
they never were
I'm crying inside
I'm shattered inside
there may not be marks you can see
but on the inside
I'm scarred and mutilated
bruised and beaten
I feel defeated.

but you don't know
you don't care
I need help
but you won't help me
you can't help me.

I don't want to be here.

I'm dying inside
but you don't care, do you?
so why not finish the body
so the soul can finally die?
you won't care.

will you?

-Again, feeling down.-

<3 - brittany

Definition

you may not know it
but you are the ones
who are living proof
of the definition of friends
to me.

to stay up giggling and screaming
freezing our toes off
at 7:00 AM.

to play with plushies
with names like
"Afro Duck"
launching them on rescue missions
and laughing as plans go awry.

to play DDR with me
staying patient when I can't
but keep on trying to teach me
despite my clumsy feet.

but also

for the heartfelt hugs
for falling asleep on top of a laundry-filled couch with me
for making sure I'm comfortable before you are
for worrying about me
for everything
thank you.

-Written after a birthday sleepover at a friend's house. All of these things happened in the space of one night, but it made me realize that I do have good friends.-

<3 - brittany

Tahoe

I see you
and I see myself
I look deep into your eyes
and it's like a mirror image.

I watch as you
play too rough
to be with the smaller ones.

I watch as you
whine and pull at your chain
wanting to run with the pack.

I watch as you
laugh and dunk yourself
in the kiddy swimming pool.

you're me
I'm you
ungainly. intelligent.
dog.
girl.
it's all the same
because
we understand each other.

-Ahem. Okay, I know I'm the hugest spaz anyone knows, but I really did identify with my neighbor's dog. She was a black lab, just barely growing up. She seemed to think she was still a puppy and didn't know how to be gentle. To me, it was like seeing myself. As Michael said, "I can't understand what you feel, but I can see you identifying with a dog." So maybe I'm the only crazy one, but I know what it feels like.-

<3 - brittany

Wait For Me

you're all growing up
and leaving me behind
I long for the carefree days
of childhood
where have they gone?
I don't want to grow up
but you're going to go
without me.

wait for me
don't laugh at me
don't call me peter pan
I just don't want to grow up
why are you in such a hurry?

even as a child
I didn't want to play "house"
I didn't want to be the mommy
I didn't want to pretend to be older
so now, standing on the brink of adulthood
I don't want to live "house"
I don't want to be the mommy
I don't want to be older
so stop pushing
stop shoving me into the unclean world
I don't want to grow up
but please
wait for me.

-I've never wanted to grow up, I think. And now, being fifteen, I get scared sometimes. I'm so resistant to change, I'm horrible. =D But someone did actually call me "Peter Pan" once. But I just don't want to grow up. It scares me.-

<3 - brittany

It's Better This Way

strange, hulking, ugly
beast
doesn't know who she is
where she comes from
doesn't know who her friends are
who's on her side
humans
afraid of her
beast
afraid of them
no one wants to come forward
no one wants to try
strange oddity of this world
doesn't belong
the humans scoff
at her moonsong
she's bared her soul only
twice
and the first
got up and moved away
the second
is still trying to patch a long gone friendship
a friendship that dissolved
because of the beast
her thoughts, her feelings
her strange proclamations
so the beast won't do it anymore
she'll keep it hidden away
keep it inside where no one can find it
no one can see.
it's better this way.

-Yeah. I seem to get down on myself a lot, eh?-

<3 - brittany

Child

I want to bathe in the ocean
exploring its murky depths.
Make me a child of the Water.

I want to soar in the heavens
breathing in the clear, cold sky.
Make me a child of the Air.

I want to run in the forest
sniffing deep the dark soil.
Make me a child of the Earth.

I want to bathe, to soar, to run.
Make me a child of the Wild.

-One of my more "hippie" poems, I guess you could say. For as long as I can remember, I've wished to be an animal. Anything, so long as I could get away. But I say too much.-

<3 - brittany

All He Is

he thinks
he's a big man
thinks
he could do it
but all he is
is a little boy

put me in the war
and I'll shoot 'em all up
he says
I'll kill all of them
kill all those damn Iraquis

but all he is
is the class clown
all he is
is a dumb fool
striving for attention

all he is
is some poor kid
thinking he's cool
because he wears all the cool t-shirts
knows all the cool music
but he's oblivious
to the world around him.

-This was written about a kid in one of my classes. He got on my nerves a lot because it seemed like he never knew what was going on in the world besides the fact that there was a war going on and that anyone could kill the bad guys.-

<3 - brittany

Too Many Gone

here I am
sixteen years old
stuck on the front lines
with an old rifle in hand
why did I fake my age?
why did I come?
I wanted to fight
for what's right
but I'm too young
I'm only a kid.

a bomb whistles past
and lands close by
I know now
that I am condemned to die
blood drips on the ground
I think it's my own
where are you mom?
I can't seem to remember your face
where are you dad?
please come back to me
sis? brother?
I love you all.

a messenger boy
goes to the white house
with red shutters
and a tire swing on the tree
and knocks on the door
it is a sad message he brings
of a soldier in battle
who died in action
for his country.

the blue star in the window
is sadly replaced
by a golden one
and the family inside
hugs
remembering their lost soldier
they want to know his last thoughts
if he felt any pain
if he knew he was dying.

the poor messenger boy
can't give any answers
he shakes his head sadly
and leaves the house silently
he holds another telegram
telling of another soldier
who died for his country.

there are too many gone.

-More war poetry, this time from the homefront.-

<3 - brittany

Send My Moses

my grandfather
once told me a story
about something that
happened long ago
about a man
named Moses
he led his people
out of slavery
led them to
the Promised Land.

but here I am now
trying to stay alive
They took us on a train
and brought us to this
dismal place
that stinks of blood and death
They took the babies
and the grandparents

and the skies were
filled with smoke that night

They split the men and women up
shaved my hair
took my clothes
gave me rags to wear
in the biting cold

I cry to God at night
when I am surrounded
by many, too many, sleeping women
I ask God where my Moses is
what did we do wrong to deserve this?

an answer doesn't come to me
my heart is filled with silence
too many people have died
and I'm too young.

I am a Jew
not of Aryan descent
and They brought me here for what I am
not for what I do
not for what I say.

please, God, send my Moses now
my lips whisper into the still air
please, God, take me away from this
tears fall from my dark brown eyes
please, God
send my Moses
send him to set me free.

-I went through a Holocaust phase when I was in the eighth grade. It makes me froth at the mouth of how cruel They were and how many people They killed. Schindler's List is the best movie in the world. I don't care if you don't watch rated R movies, this is one EVERYONE needs to see once they're old enough to understand.-

I Can't

my shoulders are bent
from carrying such a heavy burden
my legs ache
from walking tall so long
my eyes burn
from facing the windy storms
I can't do this anymore
I just can't keep going
I've carried too big a load
walked too far
seen too much
I just can't do it anymore.

-Hah, you know a happy streak can't last. I gotta put these depressing ones up somewhere, eh? This one was just me feeling down on pretty much everything. Eh.-

<3 - brittany

Here We Go

hold on
be strong
don't lose your grip
be all you can be
do all you can do
I'll try
if you will
we'll do it together
not alone
so hold my hand
we're gonna go
one last hug
before we dive in
okay?

here
we
go!

-To this day I still don't know what compelled me to write this poem. It was in the early days of Lindsey and I becoming friends, so it's what...a year old? Maybe two? I dunno. I still like it.-

<3 - brittany

Teachings

you taught me to laugh
when I was feeling down
you taught me to cry
when I was hurt
or someone else needed sympathy
you taught me to hug
you taugh me how not to be afraid
when shadows were closing in
but most importantly
you taught me how to love
without end
to speak
without words
to listen
with my heart.

we both spoke
a different language
but we understood
each other.

I love you
I miss you
Abuelita.

-This is pretty old. I wrote it about my grandma, my Abuelita. She passed away four years ag0. I still can't believe it's been that long.-

You Don't Know Me

who are you to say
that you know me?
who are you to say
that you're my best friend?
who are you to say-
to say anything?
you never knew me
I've never really been there
all you've seen is a fleeting glance
of who I really am
I've never worn my feelings on my sleeves
I've never really voiced my opinions
I play things close to the breast
only because
humans are vile, evil creatures
who play with others like ragdolls
or marionettes
I won't be a puppet
or the puppeteer
I want to be myself
but I can't
I don't want to be used
I don't want to get hurt
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of you
I'm afraid of me
it is a fear that won't be shaken
I'm sorry
I really am
but you don't know me
nobody does.

-I'm sensing a pattern here. They're depressing. I'll dig around for some cheerier ones, eh?-

<3 - brittany

Hell

we traveled
on that train
struggling for air
for three days
two nights
They gave us no food
no water
and eight people died
my grandparents
my baby sister
my mother
and four others
I had never known
finally, They let us
out
and the living
scrambling for
that burst of air
fell onto that
grey, grey ground
Hell is not fire and brimstone
underground
Hell was here
on the surface
grey is the color of Hell
and Hitler was the Devil.
They put the dead
on trucks
said the children
and the sick
could ride
to the camp
twenty miles away.
we all trampled over each other
trying to reach the trucks
greenish-grey, with dull red crosses
emblazoned on each side
after all, who isn't sick
after three days
of no food or water?
the trucks drove away
people desperately hanging onto the back
I never made it
but my little brother did
I never heard from him again
and his only goodbye
was the black smoke
rising in the sky.
I cried that night
I knew I wouldn't be
living much longer.
I came in through the barbed wire gate
and went out through the chimney.
dying is easy
when you're alone.

-Sorry for this first poem being so depressing, but it is an old piece and still one of my favorites. I won five bucks offa this baby in our school's poetry contest-

<3 - brittany

oh yeah.

Well, I've decided to make another blog to put my poems on.

I know that most of you who come here could care less, but I guess I'm making this mostly for me.

So there.

<3 - brittany