Acting the Part

she wonders
if maybe someday
she will have the chance
if maybe someone
will be blind to her flaws
if maybe something
will change
because right now
all people see
is the mangy, coarse beast
the horns, the claws, the tail
the things that get in her way
sometimes she feels so alone
this girl who never went to prom
this girl who never held anyone's hand
people think she's happy this way
they think she's happy alone.
I'm not, I never was.
she screams to the unconcerned,
to the unfeeling, to the crowd.
she just wanted to be liked.
she just wanted to be wanted.
that's all.
is that too much to ask?

-Meh, I know high school relationships are stupid and unimportant, but I still wish.-

<3 = brittany

Water Polo

I hate swimming.
working myself into a tizzy
I hate:
cramping legs
stinging eyes
frizzy hair
aching arms.
but I do it anyway
why?
because I love this game.
I love:
stealing the ball
defending our cage
making a goal
blocking a pass.
and not only do I love the game,
I love:
ten swim-suited girls in a hotel bathtub
singing during warm-ups
long bus rides
mohawks in the showers.

I love this game.
so beating myself up to play it
is well worth it.
I get just as much back as I put in.
maybe more.

I love this game.

-I do love water polo. :D <3-

<3 = brittany

Cast

believe me.
it's hard.
it's really hard.
I thought I had a place.
I thought I held a part.
I thought I was "in".
but I don't make a difference.
because, without me, nothing changed.
it's so hard to see
all your friends leaving without you.
it's so hard to hear
about the things they do without you.
it's so hard to know
that they're just fine without you.
I hate it.
I want to have a place.
I want to hold a part.
I want to be "in".
because it makes a difference
to me.
because everything changes
in me.
I miss them.
but I don't know if they miss me.
and that's the hardest thing.

-I'm getting the no-musical blues, that's all.-

<|3 = brittany

Dance

She smiles as he dances like a fool, trying to impress her. She laughs as he holds her hands in his, taking her with him on his wild romp. His eyes glitter with delight as she squeezes his hands, tickles his palms. Giggling with excitement, they hold each other close, tickling and nuzzling and kissing.

And she finds herself alone. His sweet lips, his shining eyes, his ever-loving arms, his lean legs, all gone. Nothing more than a flight of fancy. She reaches for the memory of him, trying to find the place he has gone to. But it's no use. He is nowhere to be found. She cannot see him, cannot hear him. He is gone.

The empty laughter dies, the smile fades from her face. Quietly, slowly, she becomes herself again. The deep lines of a frown are etched into her skin, her hands are c0ld, she is alone. His warmth is gone. It has been gone for a long, long time.

She cannot remember the last time he came to her. But every time, it has ended like this. His ever-loving arms gone from around her shoulders, his sweet lips gone from her cheek.

The old woman sobs, her thin shoulders quaking with grief. She buries her ancient, wrinkled face in her ancient wrinkled hands. She weeps.

And while she weeps, she waits.

She waits for him to dance again.

Because of That

I see you every morning
as we wait at parade rest.
I watch you blow warm air through your horn
to keep it in tune.
I wonder what you are thinking
with your eyes to the ground, to your feet.
It's because of that.
I watch your eyes
as I bring my flag over your head
I smile as I pass
making my way to the thirty-yard line.
I wonder what you are thinking
as we cross paths on the field.
It's because of that.
I stand with you at attention
at tedious but exciting award ceremonies.
I sense you straightening your posture
proud of your performance.
I wonder what you are thinking
as the announcer begins to speak.
I sit with you on the bus
as we ride home from Lehi, Layton, Provo, Logan.
I feel your head resting on mine
the setting sun warming your upturned face.
I wonder what you are thinking
as Peter Pan plays in our ears.
It's because of that.

I love you
because of that.

-Field show competitions and best friends. Awesome combination.-


<3

Keep Telling Yourself

why do we fall for the one
that we know we can't have?
you keep telling yourself,
"just friends, just friends."
but you want more.
you want him to hold you
you want him to laugh with you
you want him to color pony coloring pages
just for you.
but he already does that
for another girl.
you keep telling yourself
"stay strong, stay strong."
but you know you can't.
the more you see him
the more you hear him
the more you touch him
the more you twist that knife in your heart.
the more you hurt.
you keep telling yourself,
"it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter."
but you don't believe your own words.
you lie to yourself
you lie to him
you try to hide the truth.

but it hurts.
truth hurts.

-And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt.
-"White Houses", Vanessa Carlton. -

<3

I Believe in Your Smile

walking down the road with you,
laughing at our own jokes.
hefting this heavy pack higher on my back,
wishing I hadn't worn my favorite shoes-
blue high-tops with those corporate stars on the ankles-
they're hurting my feet.

I believe in your smile.

you didn't have to walk this far, I say.
I had to make sure you wouldn't get kidnapped, you grin.
we laugh again, playing it off as a joke
both wondering if you were speaking truth.

I believe in your smile.

talking about cows and trains and photo shoots
you telling me for the millionth time that
you'll be my model. the subject of my photos.
I shake my head, smiling. inside, I agree.

I believe in your smile.

walking down the road with you,
laughing at our own jokes.
I'm so glad you came with me,
although you didn't have to. I didn't ask you,
but you came.

I believe in your smile.

-Even though he didn't have to, and he had no way of getting to where he was supposed to be, he walked me home.-

<3 = brittany

A Few Poems

Only One

you're the only one
who thinks I'm precious when I sleep
who doesn't care about how much it costs
who loves me for who I am
who believes that I can do anything.

thank you so much
for smiling at me
for listening to me
for laughing with me
for teaching me
for loving me.

you don't know
how much it means
to me.

For Because

why did I come?
for because
it isn't Christmas
for because
I wanted to see you
for because
you're my sis.
why did I come?
for because
I love you.

Always Know

you always know
exactly what I want
even before I ask.
you always know
exactly what to say
even before I say anything.
you always know.
you just always know.
and I never do.

-A few really short pieces I've written in the past few days.

"Only One" is a thank you poem to a girl I always tend to take for granted. She'll do anything for me and expect nothing in return. She is someone I never thought I'd be friends with, but whenever she comes into town, I'm glad I've met her. She's awesome. <3

"For Because" is for my 'sister'. She headed up to BYU-I last Sunday, and I promised her that I'd be there to see her off. Circumstances made it so that I probably couldn't show, and she said it'd be fine if I didn't come because she'd be back in a few weeks. But I'd promised. And I made it. She said she'd be mad if I showed up. So I showed up. <3

"You Always Know" is a tidbit I wrote for both of those girls because they ALWAYS KNOW. Kinda creepy, but oh-so-nice. <3-

<3 = brittany

The Plan

I want to be independent
I want to be carefree
I want to be different
and watch
it will happen
it already is happening
my shift
my transformation
my metamorphosis.
this plan
set into motion
on a sleepless night.
the first test?
"you are replaced
by another girl.
what do you do?"
my response:
"walk on by.
his loss, not mine.
a smile and a wink
and I'm gone."

the project is working.

I feel so free
I feel so independent
I feel--
I feel
good.
for the first time
in months.

-Best thing I've ever done. Ever.-

<3 = brittany

24th of July

sitting on the cold grass
alone
couples laying behind me
families laying before me
the smell of fireworks in my nose.
the Rocket jitters still in my hands.

I see the daughters
with their mothers
I see the fathers
with their sons
and I smile.
I remember fireworks
as a child
hugging to my parents
fighting off mosquitoes
snuggled in a big old quilt.
I almost cry.

I see the boys
with their girls
I see the girls
with their boys
and I smile.
I dream of fireworks
as a woman
hugging to him
who cares about mosquitoes?
snuggled in his big warm arms.
I almost cry.
I'm alone
but that's okay.

I'll just sit and dream.

-I went to Lagoon on the 24th, and they had fireworks that night. I sat alone. No big deal. I had a lot of time to think about things. I needed it. I actually loved going.-

<3 = brittany

Lost Muse

She sits and stares at the blank page. She wills her pencil to write something, anything. But nothing comes. There is so much trapped inside her. So many thoughts, so many feelings, so many sensations. She wants to spill them all out onto the page, wants to fill the whole notebook with the things she holds inside.

But still, nothing comes.

She knows why. Her muse has left. Not a figment of her imagination. Not some character dreamed up to personify a mood. Her real, living, breathing muse. The girl who is both a big sister and twin. The girl who somethers ketchup on practically everything. The girl who is excited about everything, even a new pair of underwear. The girl who bakes marble cakes with chocolate frosting, supplies whipped cream and a ride in that ever-loving red Cutlass. The girl who goes out of her way to give you a hug and a kind word. The girl who dances. The girl who brings the poetry back.

That girl, that muse. That is why she can't write.

That is why.

-Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom,
The children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, and I die, without you.

"Without You", RENT.-

<3 = brittany

She Drives.

She drives past the mailbox, trying to forget about the year past. Every red car she sees is the red car. She cranes her neck to see the driver, but it is never the right one.

She drives on, past the dark playgrounds, the ghost towns, the ice cream parlors, the empty roads to nowhere. She wants to close her eyes and stop. She wants to forget. But there is no brake pedal. She'll crash if she tries to forget.

She turns on the radio, but every song is one they sang to. Every song is one they jammed to. Every song only twists the knife in her heart.

No lyric, no poem, no story, no words can fill this void in her soul. She turns off the radio.

She cries silently, mourning the friend who never died. The friendship that began suddenly, unexpectedly, and ended the same way. The sisterhood that began between a senior in a pink poodle skirt and white ribbon in her hair and a sophomore in pink fishnet tights and bright red lipstick. The love that held the near-twins together.

The road never ends, the gas tank never empties, the radio always plays the same songs.

She drives.

-<|3-

<3 = brittany

Best Friends

did all that really happen?
that dizzy swift blur
of fall and winter
of you and me
I can't believe it.
it all started so fast
swept me away in the strong current
of friendship and sisterhood and love.
it was exciting.
it was breathtaking.
it was something new.
I wish we had it back.
those carefree nights
we spent,
us three.
the nights at Bauer
the nights up Smelter
the nights at Middle Canyon
I miss it.
do you?
but we all know
it's impossible to have it back.

but thanks for the lesson.
thanks for the show.

thanks for the ride.

I don't regret it.

-It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime...-

<3 = brittany

Goodbye Love

I don't know what it is
but when I see you
I cry inside.
I want things to be
the way they were before.
I wish we could have
those crazy nights back.

I know we can't.

but everytime I see you
I still want it all back.
we don't talk to each other.
we don't laugh.
we don't cry.
we don't hug.
not anymore.
I don't know what happened.

I've cried myself to sleep too many times.
I've broken my heart too many times.
I don't want to do it anymore.

but I guess this must be
goodbye.
hopefully not forever,
but I need to close this chapter of my life.
because it hurts me too much to remember.
goodbye love.
goodbye.

-You fixed me when I was broken, you lifted me when I was down. You've done so much for me, but the flow turned into a trickle, then it ended. And I'm dry. I love you with all I've got, but I need to let go.-

<\3 = brittany

Find Me a Find

I keep walking into it
trying to make it better
and only making it
worse.

I want them to be happy
I don't care how I end up.
my heart can be fixed
one more time.
I hope.

condemned to a role
I shouldn't want,
I don't need.
my fate-

matchmaker.

and matchmaker is a lonely profession.

-Learn to stay away.-

<\3 = brittany

All I Ask

no, it's all right.
I don't mind being forgotten.
I'm used to it.
I'm just a toy to you.
a pet you kick around
until you're bored
and with one last
painful
mighty
punt
I'm gone.
but I'll crawl back.
I'll call
I'll write
I'll do anything
to stick with you.
all I ask is
for you to call me
just once in a while.
for you to write to me
just once in a while.
for you to think of me
just once in a while.

but is that too much to ask?

-Yeah. No phone call, no e-mail, no nothing. Yes, I'm bitter.-

<\3 = brittany

Little Brother

spider-man socks on a spider-man stool
tears in his eyes
on his face
just barely eleven.
his birthday presents
still at the bottom of the stairs.

I want to run away
from this house
from this woman
from this man
but this boy
this brother of mine
keeps me here.

he's always so excited for any "family time"
family home evening
dinner together
games together
or just a movie.
but how often do those things happen?
never.

this poor boy
acts tough
like he doesn't care
but he cries
for us.
he mourns
for us.

I love him so much.
I just never tell him
never show him.
I'd take him with me wherever I'd go
if I could.
I'd protect him
if I could.
but all I can do
is show him
that I love him
show him
that he's not alone.

and from now on
I will.

-<3-

<\3 = brittany


I love him so much.

Raindance

skipping
jumping
dancing
through these muddy puddles
squishing dirt and grass between our toes
dodging the lurching worms
that glisten in the full moon light.

it's late.
too late for us to be out
too late for us to be playing
too late for children to even exist
but still we laugh
as we ditch umbrellas
and shoes
and coats
reverting to our ancient rain-dancing ways.

our eyes sparkle with delight
as we dance like Gene Kelly or Julie Andrews
in this once-quiet darkness.

my sixteenth spring has begun.

-Rain solves so much. =3-

<3 = brittany

Smelter Road

time moves so slowly
no one believes in getting
any older now.

we travel the world
tonight
we are young again
tonight
we have all the time
tonight
we lay in the road
roll in the dirt
swing
laugh
run
nothing matters
no one cares
everything
is how it should be
tonight.

-We drove up Smelter Road the other night and sat and talked. It was perfect.-

<3 = brittany

Closed Book

I don't understand you.
I don't "get" you.

we can get along
we can talk
we can laugh
we can hug
we can cry
but do we understand each other?

you say I can read you
like a book
but I can only gather so much.
I miss a lot
because I can't read between the lines.
I can't read the fine print.
and sometimes
you close the book to me.
sometimes
I feel like I'm back in fourth grade
trying to find out what's wrong
only to find that they're ignoring me.
are you?

I find myself looking
at that danged buffalo on your back
more than I see your ever-loving face.
why?


-I know I read into things way too much and that she's probably just stressed and frustrated and doesn't realize that she seems to be avoiding me, but I still hurt. You know?-

<\3 = brittany