Heart Handprints

when everything is going wrong
and no one's around
I know that you'll catch me
as I fall
and I'm thankful
because
I'm no trapeze artist
and sometimes
my wings don't work
sometimes
I drop like a rock
sometimes
well, every time,
I can't catch myself.

and you've been there before.
you've knelt with me
wiped my tears away
held me close
showered me with love
and finger kisses.

I hope that I'm there for you
to listen to you
to kneel with you
to wipe your tears away.
I hope that you'll let me.

because I've learned so much from you.
you have made me who I am.
you have been one of the few
who have shaped me.
taken my broken heart
and mended it.
picked up the pieces
poured some of yourself into it
sewed it back together.
you have left your fingerprints
your handprints
on me
inside me
and I'm glad.

I want to give you so much in return.
girl, I love you.
and I promise,
I will never forget all you've done.
I will never forget you, girl.
because I can't.

you are a part of me.

<3

-A Christmas gift for my "sister". She's done so much for me.-

More Time

hey now
don't worry about it.
we'll be all right.
and anyway,
that's not for months
that gives us more time.

more time
to play
more time
to talk stomach
more time
to eat burritos
more time
to drink orange juice
more time
to play BS.
more time.

more time
to live.
more time
to love.

sure
it's not all the time
in the world,
but it's what we've got.
let's make the most of it, yeah?

-My "sister" was sad about her graduating this year and not seeing her as often, but graduation's not until June and stuffs.-

<3 - brittany

Sometimes

sometimes
sometimes when I stand
next to you
I feel so small
so young
so vulnerable
as I'm looking up at you
and you're holding me.

sometimes
sometimes when I stand
next to you
I feel so tall
so strong
so protective
as you're looking up at me
and I'm holding you.

and sometimes
sometimes when I stand
next to you
I feel like we're the same
like we can conquer everything
like when we're together,
everything will be all right
as I'm looking straight at you
and we're holding each other.

love you, boy-o.

-Just a thought that popped into my head after I talked to him last night.-

<3 - brittany

Talk

hey boy-o
we talked
for two hours
two whole hours
last night.
we haven't talked for so long
that I wanted to talk
until morning.
I wanted to hear your voice
until morning.
I wanted to cry
until morning.
I wanted to laugh
until morning.

we talked about everything
and we talked about nothing.
talked about Christmas break,
talked about graduating,
talked about summers lost,
and summers coming,
talked about relationships.
but we didn't talk enough.

I want to tell you everything.
I want you to know.
but I can't.

I love you, boy-o.
sweet dreams and good night.

-Things are getting better with the boy-o. Dang, I love that kid.-

<3 = brittany

Give Up

all I've heard
from every side
is what I didn't want to hear.
it was something I knew
something inevitable
it has to happen.

they tell me
"give him up.
it's not worth it.
he's not worth it.
he makes you cry.
he's not worth it.
listen to your own advice."
and I see it
and I know it
I have to let you go.
I don't want to.
I never wanted to.
but I have to.

please understand
I love you
I really do.
you're like a brother
you're like a twin
but it's too close.
and I can't do it.
I need to let go.
I need to give up.
I need to give up on you.

-I was hurting myself by hanging on so hard and so long. I needed to let go.-

<3 = brittany

Chin Up

someone wise once told me
"if he makes you cry
he's not worth it."
and I can see
I can hear
I know
he makes you cry.
he doesn't seem worth it.
doesn't seem worthy of
your attention
your love
your time
doesn't seem worthy of
you.

come on girl
chin up.
it's not the end.
there are plenty of us
who care about you.
there are plenty of us
who want to be with you.
there are plenty of us
who love you.

love you.

-A friend of mine was having some boy trouble and I wanted to do what I could for her. I wanted to let her know that it wasn't the end of the world and that there were other people that cared about her.

It worked well. <3-

<3 = brittany

Afraid

I used to be afraid that no one would listen.
I used to be afraid that my words were too long.

but now
but now

I have so many things to say
but words will not come out
I want the sentences to flow out of me
flow onto the page
but
I'm afraid I have no words left in me.
I'm afraid I'm empty.

no.

I'm afraid it will all stay inside
fermenting and stinking in me
until I explode
and find the hidden words.
words will hang unspoken
broken on the floor
and I will not, cannot say anything at all.

-I fall into periods where, no matter what I try, I just can't write. Words don't come, but I know they're somewhere inside me, hiding.-

<3 = brittany

What's the Matter?

what's the matter?

nothing.
nothing
just a little stressed, that's all.

what's the matter?

I told you
nothing
just leave me alone
I can do it myself.

what's the matter?

look
can't you just stop?
I don't need anyone to help me.
I'll do it myself.

what's the matter?

nothing.

that means everything.

I can do it myself.

no you can't.

I- no. I can't.

-Just a pretty old vent piece. I guess I think that I can do things by myself, but I can't. I always need someone there.-

<3 = brittany

In a Week

there is love
right?
I mean,
that's what we say.
we're together
every day
this motley cast
of boys and girls
trying to make it work.
three months of nothing
but each other.
and we're just going to leave it
in a week.
in a week
this'll all be over.
in a week
it's closing night.
in a week
I won't know what to do.
and in a week
I don't want you to leave me.
in a week
we need to get back together.
in a week
this'll all be over.
are we just going to leave it?
c'mon guys
we'll be together
whatever the weather
whether we like it or not.
there is love, right?

-Doing the play was one of the best things I've ever done, and I can't believe it's over.-

<3 = brittany

Third Wheel

I'm sorry.
this happens every time.
I get too close
I get too concerned
I get so nosy
because
I've never done this myself.
I'll just stay away
I just won't talk
I'll be fine
I'm sorry.
I just want to be a part of something.
something wonderful.
part of the game for two.
but I'm the odd one out
the third wheel
the annoying little tagalong sister
the one you try to get rid of.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

-Story of my life, eh?-

<3 = brittany

Chris

I love you
I miss you
happy birthday, bro.
we don't know
where you are.
we haven't been able
to stay in touch,
you're twenty-six today.
but where are you?
I miss you
I want to talk to you
I want to see you
I want to hug you
feel your big brown arms
wrap around me twice
hear your big loving laugh
resonate in my ears
see your big dark eyes
sparkling with a smile.
I love you, bro.
I miss you, bro.
where are you, love?
happy birthday.

-It was my big brother's birthday on November 8th. I miss him so much, and we don't know where he is. I love him.-

<3 - brittany

Dancer

I saw
the tears in your eyes
I heard
the waver in your voice
I felt
the tremble in your hands
I saw
the hurt on your face
and it made me ache too.

all I wanted to do was
wipe away your tears
tell you "everything will be all right"
shake your shoulders
tell you it's only make-believe
tell you it's only pretend
but I couldn't.

I hope and pray
that you will never
have to go through that for real.
I hope you will dance your way
through your whole life
on lithe limbs and able body.
I hope you will dance forever.

-A while ago, we did a dramatic improv in theater. My partner was a dancer, and for the story, she was my dancer daughter who just lost the use of her legs in a car accident, and the accident hadn't even been her fault. In the improv, she actually started to cry. It made me hurt for her. I couldn't even imagine the pain she was feelnig to even imagine such a thing.-

<3 - brittany

Field Show Carousel

I'm being bent and stretched
beyond my breaking point
Farandole and calliope
melding mixing messing
themselves up in my head
I can't think anymore.
all I see is charts and choreography
and every so often an asymptote or two

Jupiter and June
New World Symphony and Stonecutters
Mendelssohn and Clambake
they all sound the same anymore
all jumbled up inside.

I can hardly breathe between the two
and all I get is stale air.
I can't wait 'til it's all over

so I can do it again.

-Ugh. I was so stressed at one point because I would go to the school at six in the morning then not get home until eleven at night. I was so tired and frustrated and snappy that it was horrible, but I loved doing the play. Field show was...eh, but I adored the play. XD-

<3 - brittany

Closer

it seems like I have so many friends
but when it comes right down to it
do I really have any?
sure, there are those that make me laugh
sure, there are those that make me smile
but I can't just call them up and say,
"hey, wanna go play?
hey, wanna hang out?
hey, just wanna talk?"
I haven't really talked to anyone in a while
and it's building up inside.

I wanna talk
I wanna get close
but nobody will get close to me.

or is it me?

do I push you away?

tell me.
help me.
please.

-I don't feel much like this anymore, but for a while there, I did.-

<3 - brittany

It's not really a poem, but...

She closes the mailbox with a sigh. Nothing yet. She looks up at the blue, blue sky and a hint of a smile plays on her lips. They met on a day like this, a blue-sky, green-grass, brown-cow kind of a day.

They both said too much and both said too little. They bonded over the top of brown seats, bonded through magazines and cell phone lights.

She misses her. Her and all the others who are gone. All the other blue-green-brown friends.

A newsflash of a thought whizzes through her head. What if they've forgotten? She writes letters but gets no answers. Weeks have passed, and no answers. Have they grown up too much to answer this young friend from back home? She bites her lip and says over and over to herself that they haven't forgotten, they're just busy, that's all.

Just too busy.

After all this ruminating, tears come to her eyes. They have forgotten. They have left her behind, and all her cries of "wait for me" are in vain.

Silently, she makes a promise to the blue sky and the green grass and the brown cow.

I will never forget.

-This was written for all those I've fallen out of touch with. Be it those that have moved away, gone to college, or even people here in Tooele that I've lost, I miss most of them. I believe that your soul or your heart or whatever it is that loves others makes a space for each new friend you make. And when you lose that friend, that space is still there, a hole in your being. People make more impressions on you than you could ever imagine.-

<3 - brittany

I AM alive...

I know, I know. I haven't written anything for a long time. It scares me kinda, but I know that I'll get it back. Or, at least, I hope so.

I'm trying to stay focused on school and Majestix and Carousel, so it's hard to find time to write, especially when I'm never home. Bleh.

So, I will try to write something, I promise. I'm still alive and kickin', just not sad enough to write a poem. I'm just really really really stressed.

Yes, I know, "sad enough" sounds bad, but it's true. I can usually only write when I'm feeling a really strong emotion, and sadness is usually the one. XD

<3 - brittany

whoo.

So now I'm caught up with my poems. I haven't written any that I like recently, and we'll see what's to come. I'm sorry for flooding this with entries, but I wanted to get them all up. I don't think you'll ever see this many submitted in one night ever again. XD

And now I'm going to bed. It's four in the morning and I have Majestix practice tomorrow - well, today. Bleh.

<3 - brittany

Hidden

I'm hiding
hiding from you
I don't want you
to see me this way.
I'm disgraceful.
I'm ugly.
I'm clumsy.
I'm filthy.
just go away.
I want you to believe
that what you see
is what you get
but that's not always
the case.
I'm mean
I'm cruel
I am the beast
I am the monster
I have two faces
and now I'm admitting it.

so leave, please.
I don't want you to see me this way.

-This was written around the same time as "Fortress". I was feeling down, but I can't remember why.-

<3 - brittany

Fortress

go away
you can't see me
not like this
I won't let you see.

I was
tough
invulnerable
strong
confident

but now you see

I am
soft
vulnerable
weak
insecure

I don't want you to see.

I'll build up my walls
build up my fortress

my fortress of solitude.

-Hah. Wrote this after watching "Fortress" performed at my school. It's a one-act (one of my favorites) that I've seen twice. It blew me away both times. It hits me hard, I guess.-

<3 - brittany

Mother

have you ever heard
your mother scream Bloody Murder
because her husband, your father, your daddy dear
is throwing things, pushing her,
threatening all she's ever known?

have you ever heard
your mother tell you
she could have died
would have killed herself
because you didn't call?

have you ever heard
your mother tell you
"promise me you'll never
do this"
then hear her retching
purging her last binge?

this is my mother.
this is my life.

have you ever heard
your mother make fun
of your neighbors
leaving you rolling on the floor
clutching your belly
laughing?

have you ever heard
your mother roar
with laughter
when you do something silly
making you feel sorta proud
proud that you can make her laugh?

have you ever heard
your mother tell you stories
of her poor childhood
give you morals
give you common sense
teach you about life and reality?

this is my mother.
this is my life.

and I wouldn't trade either
for anything in the world.

-Yes, I know that this poem seems brutally honest. I try to be when I write. Now, if you haven't met my parents, don't use this to judge them. I love them dearly, and everyone does things they regret later. If you have met my parents, you'll know that they aren't like this all the time. XD And I know that some have it worse than I do, some have it better, but like I said, "I wouldn't trade either for anything in the world."-

<3 - brittany